For as long as my daughter can remember, I've been a cancer survivor. Now that my son is around age 5, he too will always know life with a cancer-surviving mom. As the kids have grown up and been able to comprehend cancer, I've had to learn how to talk about it in age-appropriate ways.
Here are 5 ways we’ve approached the topic.
#1 - Welcome the questions.
Children are naturally curious, and when something's new or different in the household, they quickly pick up on it. It's helpful for kids to know they can always ask questions, even if those questions feel too personal or are hard to discuss. Here are two ways I've coped with the abundance of questions:
Set personal boundaries
I pre-determine what I'm willing to share and what I'm not ready to talk about yet. If they kids ask about something that crosses a personal boundary, I simply suggest a different topic. For example, I don’t often let the kids into the bathroom when I’m changing my ostomy bag because I don’t want all the questions. But, I’m very open to talking about what it was like to sleep at the hospital after surgery.
It's taken time to discern what to discuss now and what can wait based on each kid’s maturity. But boundary-setting helps me feel comfortable and keep open communication at home.
New at this? The book Boundaries is a game-changer. Also, follow the therapist, Nedra, on Instagram.
Initiate the questions
When we initiate talking to kids about cancer, it helps them know it's OK to discuss it. This isn't just the case for my kids, but for my nieces and nephews too. I love watching kids light up when we give them permission to "go there" and ask about what may perceive as an, "off limits" conversation.
Opening up the conversation also helps guide it. I'll ask my young son what he thinks and feels about my cancer. I'll use books that explain cancer to kids.
Looking for a good starting point? This book, "What Do I Tell the Kids" is a great help and free resource.
#2 - Engage theIR creative side.
Art, music, books, plays - these are all helpful tools when talking to kids about cancer (and really adults too!). Creative arts can be very healing. And, the arts can bring out conversations that wouldn't have started otherwise, along with feelings and emotions that may get trapped inside our heads.
Our kids artwork can show us what’s on their minds. Cancer has also come up when my kids are drawing stick figures or playing with Barbies and legos. I don't push the cancer conversation on them, but I do encourage them to engage in the arts as much as possible and listen and watch for what comes out. As I observe playtime and creativity, it gives me ideas for what to talk about and how to prepare.
#3 - Give kids a sense of ownership and control.
Cancer makes you feel out of control. This is unsettling no matter how old you are. It's hard on adults AND kids. But, giving the kids some type of ownership over their own stories with cancer can really help them.
Here are a few ideas that apply to a variety of ages:
Nurse: Let them be your "nurse" if you're not feeling well at home.
Playtime: Let them talk freely about cancer through their artwork and playtime.
Community: Introduce them to other kids facing cancer or other kids who have parents with cancer. Check out Camp Kesem or several communities have Gilda’s Club and they offer children’s programming.
Awareness Gear: Get them cancer awareness t-shirts and let them choose when they wear them.
Ownership: Let them host fundraisers and events for awareness with their classes and teams. Ask them specifically to join your race or team if you're participating in a cancer event.
Their Story: Encourage them to tell their story and how cancer impacted them - not just their loved one's story.
Events: Take them to advocacy events and volunteer for cancer advocacy organizations so they can meet other kids.
Books: Read books written specifically to help adults talk to kids about cancer. Your local librarian is an awesome resource.
Spirituality: Pray together and let them hear you talk to God about the diagnosis.
Tag Along: If there's a doctors appointment where it’s appropriate for them to tag-along and see your "cancer world," let them go.
Scholarships: When they're older, there's a variety of scholarships out there for kids who've had cancer, or kids who's parents had cancer. (A Google search is the best way to find them or some local survivors, social workers and schools may be able to help too!)
#4 - Name and claim the emotions.
Cancer is scary. It's confusing and hard. It's unsettling and angering. Anyone touched by the disease will often carry these emotions.
Even if your family isn't great at talking about feelings, cancer provides a good opportunity to start.
It's important to identify, name and claim the negative (and maybe even positive!) emotions that come with the disease. And, make this age-appropriate.
In the early days when my daughter first learned about cancer, it was a big, scary mean guy. He wasn't contagious, and she knew I do everything I can to fight him, kick him, hit him and keep him away.
As she got older, we moved on to one-word emotions. She could tell me cancer makes her sad because I almost died.
Even though this doesn't make the cancer go away, it does disallow fear to have so much power.
Be intentional about repeating the process, one time isn't enough when dealing with emotions, kids, and cancer. Building a regular "check in" with your kiddo to understand how he/she feels if you're facing cancer can be very helpful.
#5 - Tap into professional counseling support.
I'm a huge advocate of counseling and I think everyone should go at some point. But even if that's not feasible, I recommend that at least someone in the family see a mental health professional to get support through cancer. Many health plans will cover therapy services.
A few nonprofits that help families facing cancer include Bright Spot Network and Pickles Group. They offer educational resources, support groups, and more.
There's no shame in getting help. When we became parents, most of us were told it takes a village. It’s even more true when cancer enters your life.